


Big D*ck Energy

by agrajag



Series: 4thewords [2]
Category: John Dies at the End - David Wong
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 14:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15245136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agrajag/pseuds/agrajag
Summary: John has a new system for categorizing the entities they fight.a.k.a. the trio are all memes





	Big D*ck Energy

**Author's Note:**

> this is for matt
> 
> inspired by [this](http://kadebronson.tumblr.com/post/175584887933/sewerfight-john-cheese-would-love-the-big-dick) tumblr post

"Hey. Hey, Dave. Hey. Dave. Dave, hey. Hey, Dave."

Dave groaned and threw his tuna salad sandwich onto the plate. John was sitting across from him in the booth. He said he was going to treat Dave to lunch, although Dave knew he was going to end up paying for them both. Yet he still followed John to the one diner in Undisclosed that would still serve them. John was stuffing his face with nachos. Dave had tried to convince him to get something that actually constituted as 'lunch,' but he supposed he couldn't really say anything. He had put on another five pounds in the past month. He had been about to order a salad, but in case this was the last time the diner would serve them, he went for his favorite.

"Dav..."

"Yeah John?" Dave asked with a sigh.

"I'm glad I have your attention. So," John said, drawing the word out. "I brought you here today to tell you something incredibly important." Dave couldn't take him seriously since he was speaking with his mouth full and had started getting tomatoes and steak all over the laminate. "I have come up with a new way to categorize the monsters we fight."

"Well, considering we never had an actual category system before, you could have just said you created a system," Dave said as he picked his sandwich back up. If that was all John wanted to talk about, then it wasn't actually important enough to interrupt his lunch.

"I decided we should categorize them by their Big Dick Energy," John continued as if Dave hadn't said anything.

Dave paused with his sandwich halfway to his mouth, and the tuna salad started to fall out from in between the two pieces of rye. (He _had_ tried to be a little better. He got rye instead of white. See? He tried.)

"I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what the _hell_ does that mean?"

"God, keep up Dave. Big Dick Energy. Now, I think I have the main guys's number sorted out."

"Just repeating it doesn't help, John," Dave muttered, but John continued to talk over him.

"So Korrak should be number one, right? His Big Dick Energy is, like, off the charts. But, like, the duplicates and the spiders were actually dangerous, so I suppose that means they should be higher."

"Seriously, John? Korrak was dangerous too. In case you forgot, all three of those things threatened to destroy the world. But I guess you're right in a way. Korrak definitely loved talking about dicks as much as you do."

"Thank you Dave," John said as he scooped up some cheese that had fallen off the chips. "And thank you for finally getting on board with this."

"That wasn't a compliment. And I'm still not entirely sure what _this_ is, but whatever."

"After those three, I'd say would be Justin. Uh, I mean Shitload. Though I didn't really have to deal with him. You and Jen made him sound like he had a lot of swagger."

"Okay, one, come on, man. You know I don't like it when you talk about Jen. And second, so Big Dick Energy is basically just... swagger?"

"You are such a loser, Dave. You're not a loser about the Jen thing. I'm sorry for that. But do you even go on the internet? Like... at all?"

"I mean, I look up the anime shows Amy talks about so I can follow along," Dave admitted sheepishly. He tried to push his tuna salad back onto the soggy bread so he could at least finish his lunch and avoid any more awkwardness that was bound to come along with this conversation.

"You mean so you can see how hot the character she's gonna be cosplaying as next is gonna be?" John asked as he wiggled his eyebrows.

"Dude, seriously?" Dave asked as he set his sandwich down once again. "I'm trying to eat."

"Hey, I'm allowed to say that. I'm basically your third." Dave opened his mouth to protest, but shrugged. John _had_ a point. "Anyway, if you ever actually went on the internet like a _normal_ millennial..." _That_ got John A Look because in what world had they ever been, or ever would be, 'normal'? "....it's all the rage right now. Like, this one user on a message board said I had _so_ much Big Dick Energy. Which, like, she's not wrong I guess, but I also just have a..."

"A big dick? Yeah, you don't have to remind me," Dave muttered.

"So, then after Shitload would be that meat ghost. You know the one?"

"I hardly think that one counts as one of the main ones? He wasn't going to do much of anything, was he?"

"Not really," John said as he motioned with a chip. Jalapenos and cheese went flying and hit Dave in the face. He quickly wiped it away only to leave some tuna salad in its wake. "But if he hadn't been such a pretentious prick, his Big Dick Energy would be higher because I mean, and I'm saying this as the straightest man to ever live, but he made the right choice taking on that form. It was kinda hot."

"I'm adding that to the list of things never to talk about again. Seriously. I never want to hear you call that ghost, or any ghost, hot. I'm even putting it above Jen."

John froze for the first time since he had started the whole ridiculous conversation. He dropped the chip he'd been holding on his plate and pushed it away.

"Oh, wow, okay. Dully noted. I don't think I've ever seen you so serious."

"Because I never looked serious when fighting for my life or anything?" Dave asked. He finished off his sandwich and waved to the waiter for the check. He knew with the mess that John was making, it was only a matter of time before they were asked 'politely' to leave. "Alright, so that's your 'new' ranking system. That was all you needed to tell me? Because you better start packing up your leftovers."

"Leftovers? I've never taken a doggy bag in my life," John protested. "I'm gonna finish this."

"You gonna fork over the money first, at least?"

"I guess so," John said, making a big show of pulling out his wallet. "I mean, you're probably already going to be mad enough as it is when I tell you the person lowest on the Big Dick Energy scale."

"Wait, what?" Dave asked as he started shoveling nachos into the styrofoam box the waiter had so graciously brought over with their check. In record time, in fact. "What do you mean 'person?' I thought the whole thing was for ranking the things we've been up against."

"In a... Dave, wait. I told you I'm not done with that," John said as he grabbed two more chips and stuffing them in his mouth. "I was saying, in a sense, yeah. So technically you count. But, let's face it Dave, you would be last on the list. You have no Big Dick Energy at all."

Dave froze and a dollop of sour cream fell into his lap. He groaned as he ran a hand down his face, getting some of the sour cream on his face as well. 

"Why am I even on the list, John?"

"I mean, you _are_ technically one of the bad guys. Not that you are 'bad'. You got Dave's memories and we're lucky Dave was... Is? You're a teddy bear."

"Okay. Point taken I guess. But... none?" he asked, his voice low.

"Yeah, sorry Dave. I wish it didn't have to be that way."

"Like, even below the wig monsters?"

John nodded solemnly.

\--------------------------------------------------------

That night, once they had crawled into bed, Dave watched Amy read her book for almost an hour before she finally sighed, put the receipt she was currently using as a bookmark in to keep her place, and turned over to look at him.

"Alright. What's going on with you?" she asked as she reached over to pet his hair. "You've been pouting since I got home."

"At lunch today, John said I have no Big Dick Energy. Do you think that's true?"

"Honey, why would you be worrying over something that John said? You should know better than this."

"Yeah, you're right," Dave said, smiling. "I don't know why I got so worked up about it."

"That being said, he was right. You have no Big Dick Energy."

Dave's jaw dropped. Amy laughed as she threw her book off the chair next to their bed as she yelled 'yeet' and then turned the light off.


End file.
